2015年1月17日雅思A类大作文学生习作:评析

今天墨尔本文波雅思给大家看一篇同学的习作,希望大家可以从中学习他丰富的词汇,同时避免结构和内容的不足。

题目:

Some people think that the amount of noise people make have to be strictly controlled, others say that people should be totally free to make as much noise as they wish, discuss both views and your opinion.

 

Not only has biology and medical science evinced the danger of noise to human body, but we also have realised the severity of noise pollution. Yet we are still at odds whether the amount of noise should be strictly controlled or not.第一句but also前后不平行;第二句at odds不错,但是这句本质还是套话空房废话,不是我讲的结构。

One reason in favour of restriction includes the recognition that people who are free to make as much noise as they wish, are more self-centred in terms of playing loud music and shouting for fun. By contrast, those who have been under relevant anti-noise laws, rather tends to avoid making unnecessary sounds in public, and take other people’s feeling into consideration, which provides obvious advantages in combating noise pollution. 中间对比论证感觉怪,对比之前缺少解说支持。

The better public order constitutes another standpoint for this argument, including quilter[r1]  inner-city streets, more comfortable study and work environment, more suitable habitats for birds etc. These external factors can spur our enthusiasm[r2] , progress and even longevity in the long run.

However, there are some drawbacks of a prohibition and reasons for freedom. A ban often covers an entire category, and may include some essential music we need to listen to and voice for daily communication. If laxer criteria had to be brought in to deliver flexible regulation, the objective of eliminating noise pollution would hardly be achievable. Additionally, if you view enjoying music and singing as basic human rights, the ban could pose an infringement.

My view is to harness the effects of noise to a moderate degree. That is the way not to be overly swayed by it. 最后一句感觉从别处强行拿过来,不太合适。我们怎么可能被noise  sway?

很多学生词汇比你丰富度差很多的都考到7.5了。

你的问题在于:

1.结构没有掌握,不仅是大的文章结构,还是段内句子之间的结构

2.过于追求词汇忽略了精准度,影响了你思想本身的传递。

3.有说服力的,有趣的例子太少。

4.文章本身字数较少,中间段有些观点缺少论证。

6.5


 [r1]quieter

 [r2]安静如何刺激激情?句子之间过度不是很顺畅

 

墨尔本文波雅思

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