墨尔本文波雅思外教雅思写作批改实例1

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Some people believe that people who work for arts, such as painting, theatre or music should be supported financially by the government. Some people believe that they should find other financial support resources instead. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

 

As the flourish of [Z1] art industry like film, painting[Z2] , theatre and music, increases, its resources of financial support has become a controversial issue. It is my firm belief that multinational corporations are more[Z3]  likely to be the supporters.

 

Proponents for the support from the government [Z4] believe that it is governments’ responsibility to promote the development of [Z5] art industry. Governments, a country’s highest administrative institution, is not only responsible for satisfying citizens’ basic needs of life, but also fulfilling people’s spiritual needs. Therefore, governments should provide financial aid to the art industry.

 

Opponents for the support from the government[Z6]  claim that [Z7] art industry should rely on other financial support resources as the limited budget of governments[Z8] . Governments’ main revenue is from tax which should be spent on other priorities such as education, medical services, national defense and environment[Z9]  protection. While[Z10]  spending money on [Z11] art industry seems to waste tax payers’ money and it seems that[Z12]  the consequence[Z13]  of support could[Z14]  not be seen in the short term.

 

From my standpoint, multinational corporations like Apple, Samsung Electronics and Intel should carry this responsibility. Because Tthese corporations should give back to the society and[Z15]  they have sufficient funds to support the development of the art industry, [Z16] in turn, their images might be improve significantly[Z17] . Additionally, the financial support sometimes could be regarded as a kind of investment, film is a case in point.

 

In conclusion, governments could support [Z18] art industry in other ways like regulating, censorship[Z19] . In fact, multinational corporations have quite strong capabilities to provide financial support, whereas[Z20] , [Z21] art industry has to grow up by itself instead of totally relying on the aid from [Z22] outside.

 

 

            Evaluation Report
Word count 273
Comments The response addresses all parts of the task and presents a clear position throughout. The information presented is logically organized and there is evidence of clear central topics within each paragraph. However, there are noticeable errors in word formation, word choice and grammar, which results in difficulty for the reader. Overall, the essay can be improved further.                        
Estimated Band Score 6.0
 Suggestions
  1. 1.      Watch out for definite articles! The art industry needs a ‘the’ in front of it. There are 6 errors in the essay due to not using ‘the’ in front of ‘art industry’.
  2. 2.      NEVER USE ‘BECAUSE’ TO START A SENTENCE! There is always a better word.
  3. 3.      Always proofread the task response after finishing it and pay attention to your choice of words and word formation.
  4. 4.      Keep practicing to improve your performance.

 

 


 [Z1]The

 [Z2]Art

 [Z3]Word choice – most.
‘More’ is a comparative word, e.g. They are MORE likely to choose music than drama.

 [Z4]Word formation – governmental support

 [Z5]The

 [Z6]Word formation – governmental support

 [Z7]The

 [Z8]Word formation – as the budget of governments is limited.

 [Z9]Grammar – environmental

 [Z10]Unclear – maybe say ‘Opponents believe that’

 [Z11]The

 [Z12]Word choice – thus

 [Z13]Grammar – consequences

 [Z14]Can

 [Z15]Word choice – as

 [Z16]And

 [Z17]Unclear – their public image might be significantly improved.

 [Z18]The

 [Z19]Regulations and censorship

 [Z20]Word choice – however

 [Z21]The

 [Z22]The

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